Why I Talk Too Much
I am messy.
Don’t get me wrong– I have spent plenty of time trying to clean up the mess. These efforts are typically motivated by my desire to please others, or become easier for them to understand. I have often felt that I needed others to understand and approve of me in order to understand and approve of myself.
I’m not saying these are inherently good or bad things, but this is my current perspective, as shaped by my experience.
Now I don’t really believe in– perhaps because I don’t feel capable of– waiting until I make sense before sharing myself or my ideas with anyone. I think that whenever I have something worthwhile to say, it comes out of my mouth whenever it damn well pleases. I’m told that at least some of these things I share “prematurely” have some sort of impact for some people. So I don’t plan on adding an extra filter any time soon.
Could I have more of an impact if I were more polished? Maybe.
Will I continue to polish? Absolutely.
But will I share along the way? You betcha.
This is my polishing process. I like to eat cake when it’s raw batter, baking, fully cooked, and with icing. I eat all the components and still enjoy the sum of the parts.
I run late, I have a sweet tooth, and I completely lose control of my body when I laugh really hard. I am not interested in changing myself, and I’m not interested in “changing my life.” I am interested in living it.
When I look back at times that I found answers, I often threw the baby out with the bathwater and made my ‘old self’ totally wrong. Or I encountered new ideology and met it with resistance, not allowing it to affect me at all.
I believe in no model, no formula, no particular instruction manual. There is no panacea for the human experience. We don’t need a map, we don’t even need a compass. We have a heart. And I’m gonna talk it out.
I’m not editing this.